When a slow news day is like garbage time for athletes

Oh, CNN, you really suffer when it's a slow news day, don't you?

Today's top headlines as of 11 a.m. EST on Sep. 28:

• New Iraq terror tape calls for abducting foreigners: Really? Damn, I would never have known. And by the way, mom says to eat more vegetables.
• CNNMoney: Down briefly tops record close: Like coming out of the closet, but going back in again. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• Al Qaeda promotes new tape on pope, Bush, Darfur: And I think Tupac has a new CD coming out soon too.
• Ex-HP chair testifies: Turns out the Republicans don't have the monopoly on illegal spying.
• Jon Stewart hosts Musharraf for tea, book chat: I love Jon Stewart, don't get me wrong. But in my mind's eye, it's like a pretty tea party that's attended by Raggedy Ann, a Cabbage Patch doll and the leader of Pakistan, all sitting in little chairs.
• GOP candidate trips over alleged bugging plot: And I thought elephants never forgot. Bugging your husband to see if he's cheating on you? Wouldn't it be easier to hire a private investigator or stalk him yourself? Guess Jeanine Pirro never got the GOP interoffice memo on illegal spying.
• Pathologist: Drug combo killed Anna Nicole's son: Do we really care? Are we really surprised the kid would be doing drugs? A far funnier Anna Nicole story is the fact that two men claimed paternity on her new baby.
• Squirrel jumps boy in park; rabies suspected: Oh for crying out loud ... get the $^&# rabies shots.
• Porn star candidate campaigns on campus: The Founding Fathers would be proud.
• Sheen set to become highest-paid sitcom star: The pathetic state of situation comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
• Kutcher shares secret with Seacrest: Maybe he's gay. Maybe Demi wants a threesome. Maybe I don't give a damn.