RE: Jokes on campaign trail

TO: All Democratic candidates

FROM: Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee

RE: Jokes

Maybe taking John Kerry out to see "Man of the Year" last weekend wasn't such a good idea with the upcoming mid-term elections. (And John, if you're reading this, I know Robin Williams and you're no Robin Williams.)

Anyway, I know we're supposed to be the "fun" party, or at least more fun than the GOP. But please remember that we're politicians and not stand-up comedians. Things have been going really well for us, so please please please please don't fumble the ball on the one when we're so close to scoring a touchdown!

To help y'all as we make the big push, the boys (and girls) here at DNC headquarters have come up with a list of things that are OFF LIMITS for joking about:

• U.S. troops: Though making fun of other militaries, such as the French or Canadians is still permissible. We'll get back to you on whether the Coast Guard counts or not.
• 9/11: Don't touch with a ten-foot pole (unless you happen to be making fun of Ann Coulter).
• Islam/Allah: Honestly, if you get "Allah" while you're playing Pictionary or Charades, just pass. It's totally not worth it. In fact, don't even spell out "Allah" if you're playing Scrabble, just to be safe. Better yet, just steer clear of religion entirely.
• Jews/Holocaust: Unless one of you morons is elected president of Iran, don't even think about it.
• Handicapped/mentally-challenged people: Yeah, we loved "The Ringer" too, but please don't refer to them as "goofy bastards" (a la "There's Something About Mary").
• Other races: For the love of God (Allah, Buddha, etc.), please don't refer to your volunteers of Indian descent as "macacas," or whatever slang is used to denote a person's race.
• Katrina victims: Seriously, don't screw with them.
  
• Moms: This includes the "yo mama is so fat ..." jokes. The DNC has, however, granted exemptions for pick-up two-on-two basketball games where money and/or Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are involved. Jokes about Madonna, Britney Spears and Katie Holmes are also exempt.

To help your campaign speech writers, here's a list permissible joke topics:

• Republicans: Except dead ones like Ronald Reagan (though Dick Cheney is still fair game).
• Paris Hilton: She's like the village bicycle, baby ... everyone's had a ride.
• Bush's endorsements: We're assuming "You're doing a heck of a job" is elephant-speak for "I have no clue what the hell you're doing and you'll probably be forced to resign soon due to incompetence."
• Scientologists: And we thought Osama was a head case.
• Weird celebrities: This includes Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, that mutant Japanese dude who always wins the hot dog eating contests and anyone on YouTube.
• Rich people: See "Republicans."
• Fashion: Seriously, what's up with trucker caps and those ugly boots women wear?
• The French: So what else is new?
• Fox News: Like shooting fish in a barrel.
• Ourselves: Can't hurt to make a few John Kerry jokes to help lighten the mood.
  

Anyway, that's it from DNC headquarters.

Remember, not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York … And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Byaaah!!!