The circle of wedding life

Weddings come in bunches or waves. It's a fact of life, like how music now is nowhere near as good as it used to be or Social Security is the world's biggest pyramid scheme.

After some spirited conversations last Friday over some, well, spirits, I've decided to codify how weddings come in a series of "waves" (think the opening of "Saving Private Ryan," with less blood, but more confusion):

Wave 1

When: Typically from mid-high school up through to the first few months of college graduation
Age: Roughly 17 to 22
Who: Teens not smart enough to use birth control; high schoolers/college students stupid enough to marry the first person they're with; college students scared out of their wits; and people who claim to find their soulmates
Pros: Be the first on the block to get married and have kids; drunken wedding; can celebrate child's 21st birthday without skipping early bird special at local Denny's; won't die alone
Cons: Off the market before your prime; crappy wedding gifts; sex with the same person for a really, really, really long time; may discover you're gay later

Wave 2

When: A few years after college graduation
Age: Mid- to late-20s
Who: Recent college graduates who still look 21, young professionals, graduate students
Pros: Don't look as desperate as folks from Wave 1; can still have drunken wedding; good shot at still being able to stay up for child's 21st birthday; decent wedding gifts; got to play the field a little more before settling down; considered the "sweet spot" for getting married
Cons: May be leaving the market a bit early; sex with the same person for a really, really long time

Wave 3

When: When the word "decade" begins describing how long you've been out of school (not counting grad school)
Who: Late 20s on up; Divorcees from first two waves; people sending for mail-order brides
Pros: Wild oats completely sown; people stop asking when you are getting married; can pick up hot rebounds from failed marriages of first two waves; can pay for bitchin' wedding; bitchin' wedding gifts; can use friends' kids as flower girls and ring bearers; won't have to die alone
Cons: Slimmer pickings; engagement news greeted with response: "About damn time"; white might not be the best idea for a wedding dress; don't look as good naked as you used to; prenups; drunken wedding only possible if babysitters or in-laws can watch guests' kids

Wave 4

When: Anytime after Waves 1-3
Who: Everyone who's not hitched; divorcees from first three waves; widows and widowers; people who come out of closet
Pros: Won't have to die alone
Cons: Sex slowly becoming irrelavent; Viagra becomes real possibility; may not survive wedding night; dealing with children from other marriages as foster parent; explaining new sexual identity; boring wedding; may not get wedding gifts

Wave 5

When: Anytime after Wave 1
Who: Your children, your friend's children, your sibling's children
Pros: Nothing is a better reminder of your mortality than watching your children, your sibling's or friend's children get hitched; can use Social Security check toward something nice on registry; get to sample newest music of the day;
Cons: Who are these people?; More weddings to go to; must listen to newest music of the day; asleep before reception ends; drunken time most likely out of the question since you now have cirrhosis; sex most likely out of the question