The Fountain of Random Thoughts

The circle of wedding life

2007-01-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

Weddings come in bunches or waves. It's a fact of life, like how music now is nowhere near as good as it used to be or Social Security is the world's biggest pyramid scheme.

After some spirited conversations last Friday over some, well, spirits, I've decided to codify how weddings come in a series of "waves" (think the opening of "Saving Private Ryan," with less blood, but more confusion):

Wave 1

When: Typically from mid-high school up through to the first few months of college graduation
Age: Roughly 17 to 22
Who: Teens not smart enough to use birth control; high schoolers/college students stupid enough to marry the first person they're with; college students scared out of their wits; and people who claim to find their soulmates
Pros: Be the first on the block to get married and have kids; drunken wedding; can celebrate child's 21st birthday without skipping early bird special at local Denny's; won't die alone
Cons: Off the market before your prime; crappy wedding gifts; sex with the same person for a really, really, really long time; may discover you're gay later

Wave 2

When: A few years after college graduation
Age: Mid- to late-20s
Who: Recent college graduates who still look 21, young professionals, graduate students
Pros: Don't look as desperate as folks from Wave 1; can still have drunken wedding; good shot at still being able to stay up for child's 21st birthday; decent wedding gifts; got to play the field a little more before settling down; considered the "sweet spot" for getting married
Cons: May be leaving the market a bit early; sex with the same person for a really, really long time

Wave 3

When: When the word "decade" begins describing how long you've been out of school (not counting grad school)
Who: Late 20s on up; Divorcees from first two waves; people sending for mail-order brides
Pros: Wild oats completely sown; people stop asking when you are getting married; can pick up hot rebounds from failed marriages of first two waves; can pay for bitchin' wedding; bitchin' wedding gifts; can use friends' kids as flower girls and ring bearers; won't have to die alone
Cons: Slimmer pickings; engagement news greeted with response: "About damn time"; white might not be the best idea for a wedding dress; don't look as good naked as you used to; prenups; drunken wedding only possible if babysitters or in-laws can watch guests' kids

Wave 4

When: Anytime after Waves 1-3
Who: Everyone who's not hitched; divorcees from first three waves; widows and widowers; people who come out of closet
Pros: Won't have to die alone
Cons: Sex slowly becoming irrelavent; Viagra becomes real possibility; may not survive wedding night; dealing with children from other marriages as foster parent; explaining new sexual identity; boring wedding; may not get wedding gifts

Wave 5

When: Anytime after Wave 1
Who: Your children, your friend's children, your sibling's children
Pros: Nothing is a better reminder of your mortality than watching your children, your sibling's or friend's children get hitched; can use Social Security check toward something nice on registry; get to sample newest music of the day;
Cons: Who are these people?; More weddings to go to; must listen to newest music of the day; asleep before reception ends; drunken time most likely out of the question since you now have cirrhosis; sex most likely out of the question

Bush coins new term for Iraq conflict: "On a break"

2006-11-29T15:30:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. -- Bowing to political pressure, U.S. president George W. Bush is beginning to describe the cycle of violence in Iraq by saying, "Iraq is on a break with peace."

When questioned about the new terminology, White House Press Secretary said the term "civil war" didn't apply to the situation.

Reporters who quoted Merriam Webster's 10th edition Collegiate Dictionary, which defined "civil war" as a "a war between opposing groups of citizens of the same country" were turned back by Snow, who replied, "You can't define a term with itself, for cryin' out loud."

When further promoted by dictionary-toting reporters who defined "war" as "a state of usually open and declared armed hostile conflict between states or nations," Snow defiantly repeated, "Na na na na na na na ... I can't hear you ... na na na na na na ... I can't hear you ..."

Red Lobster to end 'all-you-can-eat' menu in 2048

2006-11-03T13:18:00.000-05:00

Sea World, Fla. -- Red Lobster officials announced today that it would stop its famed "all-you-can-eat" menu in 2048 due to what has been termed as "supply concerns."

"Our projections indicate that we won't be able to get enough of the high-quality seafood that our loyal customers have grown accustomed to over the years," a spokeswoman for the restaurant chain said. She denied that the menu change was a reaction to today's report in Science warning of a "global collapse" of fish species, calling the announced change a "weird coincidence."

The spokewoman added that although popular items such as all-you-can-eat shrimp are going on hiatus, the chain is excited to roll out new items for customers.

"We're going to add more international fare to our updated 2048 menu," the spokeswoman said. "This includes Alaskan Eskimo blubber cakes, Russian sturgeon sticks, Japanese penguin patties and seaweed scampi and California (sea) cucumber wraps."

When asked if seafood restaurants like Red Lobster were in any way responsible for the forecasted collapse in fish, she replied, "That's ridiculous. Look, Red Lobster serves more than fish. We have chicken and steak and you don't see any reports saying that the chicken population is going to collapse or the cow population is going downhill, do you?"

Officials at Long John Silver's said they had no plans to alter the chain's menu, citing low content of actual seafood in their products.

RE: Jokes on campaign trail

2006-11-02T09:08:00.000-05:00

TO: All Democratic candidates

FROM: Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee

RE: Jokes

Maybe taking John Kerry out to see "Man of the Year" last weekend wasn't such a good idea with the upcoming mid-term elections. (And John, if you're reading this, I know Robin Williams and you're no Robin Williams.)

Anyway, I know we're supposed to be the "fun" party, or at least more fun than the GOP. But please remember that we're politicians and not stand-up comedians. Things have been going really well for us, so please please please please don't fumble the ball on the one when we're so close to scoring a touchdown!

To help y'all as we make the big push, the boys (and girls) here at DNC headquarters have come up with a list of things that are OFF LIMITS for joking about:

U.S. troops: Though making fun of other militaries, such as the French or Canadians is still permissible. We'll get back to you on whether the Coast Guard counts or not.
9/11: Don't touch with a ten-foot pole (unless you happen to be making fun of Ann Coulter).
Islam/Allah: Honestly, if you get "Allah" while you're playing Pictionary or Charades, just pass. It's totally not worth it. In fact, don't even spell out "Allah" if you're playing Scrabble, just to be safe. Better yet, just steer clear of religion entirely.
Jews/Holocaust: Unless one of you morons is elected president of Iran, don't even think about it.
Handicapped/mentally-challenged people: Yeah, we loved "The Ringer" too, but please don't refer to them as "goofy bastards" (a la "There's Something About Mary").
Other races: For the love of God (Allah, Buddha, etc.), please don't refer to your volunteers of Indian descent as "macacas," or whatever slang is used to denote a person's race.
Katrina victims: Seriously, don't screw with them.
Moms: This includes the "yo mama is so fat ..." jokes. The DNC has, however, granted exemptions for pick-up two-on-two basketball games where money and/or Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are involved. Jokes about Madonna, Britney Spears and Katie Holmes are also exempt.

To help your campaign speech writers, here's a list permissible joke topics:

Republicans: Except dead ones like Ronald Reagan (though Dick Cheney is still fair game).
Paris Hilton: She's like the village bicycle, baby ... everyone's had a ride.
Bush's endorsements: We're assuming "You're doing a heck of a job" is elephant-speak for "I have no clue what the hell you're doing and you'll probably be forced to resign soon due to incompetence."
Scientologists: And we thought Osama was a head case.
Weird celebrities: This includes Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, that mutant Japanese dude who always wins the hot dog eating contests and anyone on YouTube.
Rich people: See "Republicans."
Fashion: Seriously, what's up with trucker caps and those ugly boots women wear?
The French: So what else is new?
Fox News: Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Ourselves: Can't hurt to make a few John Kerry jokes to help lighten the mood.

Anyway, that's it from DNC headquarters.

Remember, not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York … And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Byaaah!!!

Top 10 Things Bush Still Won't Concede On

2006-10-26T12:12:00.000-04:00

Although President Bush recently conceded that the U.S. suffered a series of missteps in Iraq, there are still a number of things the administration still won't admit to:

10. Secret wire taps include the Bush twins, Paris Hilton, Jon Stewart and Congress.

9. White House spaghetti sauce actually Prego's roasted garlic, tomato and basil sauce.

8. Dick Cheney has no sense of humor.
The emperor has no clothes. (tie)

7. Every once in a while, sneaking a quick swig of the flask behind the Rose Garden.

6. Karl Rove is really Lex Luthor.

5. It's not butter.

4. Republicans can't count moral victories among their tallies on Election Day.

3. Watching Fox News does not constitute torture.

2. Baghdad Disneyland falling slightly behind schedule.

1. The world is, in fact, round.

When a slow news day is like garbage time for athletes

2006-09-28T11:03:00.000-04:00

Oh, CNN, you really suffer when it's a slow news day, don't you?

Today's top headlines as of 11 a.m. EST on Sep. 28:

New Iraq terror tape calls for abducting foreigners: Really? Damn, I would never have known. And by the way, mom says to eat more vegetables.
CNNMoney: Down briefly tops record close: Like coming out of the closet, but going back in again. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Al Qaeda promotes new tape on pope, Bush, Darfur: And I think Tupac has a new CD coming out soon too.
Ex-HP chair testifies: Turns out the Republicans don't have the monopoly on illegal spying.
Jon Stewart hosts Musharraf for tea, book chat: I love Jon Stewart, don't get me wrong. But in my mind's eye, it's like a pretty tea party that's attended by Raggedy Ann, a Cabbage Patch doll and the leader of Pakistan, all sitting in little chairs.
GOP candidate trips over alleged bugging plot: And I thought elephants never forgot. Bugging your husband to see if he's cheating on you? Wouldn't it be easier to hire a private investigator or stalk him yourself? Guess Jeanine Pirro never got the GOP interoffice memo on illegal spying.
Pathologist: Drug combo killed Anna Nicole's son: Do we really care? Are we really surprised the kid would be doing drugs? A far funnier Anna Nicole story is the fact that two men claimed paternity on her new baby.
Squirrel jumps boy in park; rabies suspected: Oh for crying out loud ... get the $^&# rabies shots.
Porn star candidate campaigns on campus: The Founding Fathers would be proud.
Sheen set to become highest-paid sitcom star: The pathetic state of situation comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
Kutcher shares secret with Seacrest: Maybe he's gay. Maybe Demi wants a threesome. Maybe I don't give a damn.

'Devil' label for Bush angers Satan

2006-09-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

Hell, The Underworld (AP) -- Comments today by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez referring to American President George W. Bush as the "devil" brought about angry criticism from Satan.

"I've done some pretty nasty stuff in my time, but don't lump me in with that prick," a clearly annoyed Lucifer Mephistopheles said. "I mean, the people I torture down here, they actually deserve it."

"And how many countries have I invaded since the start of eternity? None. Zero. Zilch. Nada," the Prince of Darkness added during an interview at FOX News' Hades studio.

Mr. Mephistopheles said he believed he was on good terms with Chavez until the Venezuelan leader's remarks to the U.N. General Assembly on Wednesday.

"I thought we made a deal in good faith. This poor Central American wanted to be leader of his country and have lots of oil, so I cut him the standard deal for his soul, eternal damnation and a non-disclosure clause," Mr. Mephistopheles said. "I'll have to check with my lawyers to see if there's a defamation clause in the contract as well. Luckily for me, I just got Johnnie Cochran on retainer for eternity last year, as well as every other lawyer who's walked the earth.

I mean, at least Bush didn't go around calling Saddam Hussein me and Dick Cheney shut up when I gave Halliburton pretty much every contract in Iraq. Those guys at least know a deal's a deal."

When asked if he had a similar deal with the younger Bush for the U.S. presidency, Mr. Mephistopheles would not confirm or deny it with FOX's reporters.

"All I can say is that Hugo and George will have a few millennia to work out their differences," Mr. Mephistopheles laughed.

Mr. Mephistopheles also vehemently denied being a member of the Republican party, saying that he will most likely vote independent in the fall.

Secret U.N. translation of Bush speech

2006-09-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

United Nations' interpreters' version of George Bush's Sep. 19, 2006, address to the U.N. General Assembly

Mr. Secretary General, Madam President, distinguished delegates, and ladies and gentlemen: I want to thank you for the privilege of speaking to this General Assembly.

[Translation: You had to invite me because your pathetic organization's headquarters is in my country.]

Last week, America and the world marked the fifth anniversary of the attacks that filled another September morning with death and suffering. On that terrible day, extremists killed nearly 3,000 innocent people, including citizens of dozens of nations represented right here in this chamber. Since then, the enemies of humanity have continued their campaign of murder. Al Qaeda and those inspired by its extremist ideology have attacked more than two dozen nations. And recently a different group of extremists deliberately provoked a terrible conflict in Lebanon. At the start of the 21st century, it is clear that the world is engaged in a great ideological struggle, between extremists who use terror as a weapon to create fear, and moderate people who work for peace.

[Translation: I have only one sympathy card in the deck to play. This is it. Remember 9/11? I sure as hell hope the voters do in November.]

Five years ago, I stood at this podium and called on the community of nations to defend civilization and build a more hopeful future. This is still the great challenge of our time; it is the calling of our generation. This morning, I want to speak about the more hopeful world that is within our reach, a world beyond terror, where ordinary men and women are free to determine their own destiny, where the voices of moderation are empowered, and where the extremists are marginalized by the peaceful majority. This world can be ours if we seek it and if we work together.

[Translation: We still haven't wiped out the Muslims or Democrats and the big companies that funded my two previous campaigns are wondering what's taking so damn long.]

The principles of this world beyond terror can be found in the very first sentence of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. This document declares that the "equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom and justice and peace in the world." One of the authors of this document was a Lebanese diplomat named Charles Malik, who would go on to become President of this Assembly. Mr. Malik insisted that these principles apply equally to all people, of all regions, of all religions, including the men and women of the Arab world that was his home.

[Translation: I'll cite international law when it suits my purposes.]

In the nearly six decades since that document was approved, we have seen the forces of freedom and moderation transform entire continents. Sixty years after a terrible war, Europe is now whole, free, and at peace -- and Asia has seen freedom progress and hundreds of millions of people lifted out of desperate poverty. The words of the Universal Declaration are as true today as they were when they were written. As liberty flourishes, nations grow in tolerance and hope and peace. And we're seeing that bright future begin to take root in the broader Middle East.

[Translation: Ray-Ban makes nice rosed-colored glasses.]

Some of the changes in the Middle East have been dramatic, and we see the results in this chamber. Five years ago, Afghanistan was ruled by the brutal Taliban regime, and its seat in this body was contested. Now this seat is held by the freely elected government of Afghanistan, which is represented today by President Karzai. Five years ago, Iraq's seat in this body was held by a dictator who killed his citizens, invaded his neighbors, and showed his contempt for the world by defying more than a dozen U.N. Security Council resolutions. Now Iraq's seat is held by a democratic government that embodies the aspirations of the Iraq people, who's represented today by President Talabani. With these changes, more than 50 million people have been given a voice in this chamber for the first time in decades.

[Translation: And if you screw with America, we'll change your seat at the U.N. too.]

Some of the changes in the Middle East are happening gradually, but they are real. Algeria has held its first competitive presidential election, and the military remained neutral. The United Arab Emirates recently announced that half of the seats in its Federal National Council will be chosen by elections. Kuwait held elections in which women were allowed to vote and run for office for the first time. Citizens have voted in municipal elections in Saudi Arabia, in parliamentary elections in Jordan and Bahrain, and in multiparty presidential elections in Yemen and Egypt. These are important steps, and the governments should continue to move forward with other reforms that show they trust their people. Every nation that travels the road to freedom moves at a different pace, and the democracies they build will reflect their own culture and traditions. But the destination is the same: A free society where people live at peace with each other and at peace with the world.

[Translation: A U.S. overthrow is not a requirement for democracy. The road to democracy is like the Washington Beltway--curvy and often slow moving, with few on ramps and lots of broken down cars on the side of the road.]

Some have argued that the democratic changes we're seeing in the Middle East are destabilizing the region. This argument rests on a false assumption, that the Middle East was stable to begin with. The reality is that the stability we thought we saw in the Middle East was a mirage. For decades, millions of men and women in the region have been trapped in oppression and hopelessness. And these conditions left a generation disillusioned, and made this region a breeding ground for extremism.

[Translation: Let's not talk about arguments that rest on false assumptions, shall we? And there are no more mirages in the Middle East, nosiree. It is also unfortunate that the Middle East is the only place left on earth where a generation is disillusioned with government, not like here in good ol' America.]

Imagine what it's like to be a young person living in a country that is not moving toward reform. You're 21 years old, and while your peers in other parts of the world are casting their ballots for the first time, you are powerless to change the course of your government. While your peers in other parts of the world have received educations that prepare them for the opportunities of a global economy, you have been fed propaganda and conspiracy theories that blame others for your country's shortcomings. And everywhere you turn, you hear extremists who tell you that you can escape your misery and regain your dignity through violence and terror and martyrdom. For many across the broader Middle East, this is the dismal choice presented every day.

[Translation: I'm actually talking about Detroit.]

Every civilized nation, including those in the Muslim world, must support those in the region who are offering a more hopeful alternative. We know that when people have a voice in their future, they are less likely to blow themselves up in suicide attacks. We know that when leaders are accountable to their people, they are more likely to seek national greatness in the achievements of their citizens, rather than in terror and conquest. So we must stand with democratic leaders and moderate reformers across the broader Middle East. We must give them voice to the hopes of decent men and women who want for their children the same things we want for ours. We must seek stability through a free and just Middle East where the extremists are marginalized by millions of citizens in control of their own destinies.

[Translation: There's no hope unless you get to shoot some people.]

Today, I'd like to speak directly to the people across the broader Middle East: My country desires peace. Extremists in your midst spread propaganda claiming that the West is engaged in a war against Islam. This propaganda is false, and its purpose is to confuse you and justify acts of terror. We respect Islam, but we will protect our people from those who pervert Islam to sow death and destruction. Our goal is to help you build a more tolerant and hopeful society that honors people of all faiths and promote the peace.

[Translation: We want peace--as in 'rest in peace.' We are beyond paying Iraqi newspapers to run positive stories. If I could, I'd invade Iran and Syria right now. My goal is to make sure I can get cheap gas for my bulletproof presidential limo.]

To the people of Iraq: Nearly 12 million of you braved the car bombers and assassins last December to vote in free elections. The world saw you hold up purple ink-stained fingers, and your courage filled us with admiration. You've stood firm in the face of horrendous acts of terror and sectarian violence -- and we will not abandon you in your struggle to build a free nation. America and our coalition partners will continue to stand with the democratic government you elected. We will continue to help you secure the international assistance and investment you need to create jobs and opportunity, working with the United Nations and through the International Compact with Iraq endorsed here in New York yesterday. We will continue to train those of you who stepped forward to fight the enemies of freedom. We will not yield the future of your country to terrorists and extremists. In return, your leaders must rise to the challenges your country is facing, and make difficult choices to bring security and prosperity. Working together, we will help your democracy succeed, so it can become a beacon of hope for millions in the Muslim world.

[Translation: Hey, Iraq, hurry the hell up. I'm getting roasted here with people wanting to pull the troops.]

To the people of Afghanistan: Together, we overthrew the Taliban regime that brought misery into your lives and harbored terrorists who brought death to the citizens of many nations. Since then, we have watched you choose your leaders in free elections and build a democratic government. You can be proud of these achievements. We respect your courage, and your determination to live in peace and freedom. We will continue to stand with you to defend your democratic gains. Today forces from more than 40 countries, including members of the NATO Alliance, are bravely serving side-by-side with you against the extremists who want to bring down the free government you've established. We'll help you defeat these enemies and build a free Afghanistan that will never again oppress you, or be a safe haven for terrorists.

[Translation: To the people of Afghanistan: Don't make me come back there.]

To the people of Lebanon: Last year, you inspired the world when you came out into the streets to demand your independence from Syrian dominance. You drove Syrian forces from your country and you reestablished democracy. Since then, you have been tested by the fighting that began with Hezbollah's unprovoked attacks on Israel. Many of you have seen your homes and communities caught in crossfire. We see your suffering, and the world is helping you to rebuild your country, and helping you deal with the armed extremists who are undermining your democracy by acting as a state within a state. The United Nations has passed a good resolution that has authorized an international force, led by France and Italy, to help you restore Lebanese sovereignty over Lebanese soil. For many years, Lebanon was a model of democracy and pluralism and openness in the region -- and it will be again.

[Translation: To the people of Lebanon: You really need to enter an AA program for struggling democracies. Seriously.]

To the people of Iran: The United States respects you; we respect your country. We admire your rich history, your vibrant culture, and your many contributions to civilization. You deserve an opportunity to determine your own future, an economy that rewards your intelligence and your talents, and a society that allows you to fulfill your tremendous potential. The greatest obstacle to this future is that your rulers have chosen to deny you liberty and to use your nation's resources to fund terrorism, and fuel extremism, and pursue nuclear weapons. The United Nations has passed a clear resolution requiring that the regime in Tehran meet its international obligations. Iran must abandon its nuclear weapons ambitions. Despite what the regime tells you, we have no objection to Iran's pursuit of a truly peaceful nuclear power program. We're working toward a diplomatic solution to this crisis. And as we do, we look to the day when you can live in freedom -- and America and Iran can be good friends and close partners in the cause of peace.

[Translation: To the people of Iran: I'm Rick James, bitch!]

To the people of Syria: Your land is home to a great people with a proud tradition of learning and commerce. Today your rulers have allowed your country to become a crossroad for terrorism. In your midst, Hamas and Hezbollah are working to destabilize the region, and your government is turning your country into a tool of Iran. This is increasing your country's isolation from the world. Your government must choose a better way forward by ending its support for terror, and living in peace with your neighbors, and opening the way to a better life for you and your families.

[Translation: To the people of Syria: You're really starting to piss me off.]

To the people of Darfur: You have suffered unspeakable violence, and my nation has called these atrocities what they are -- genocide. For the last two years, America joined with the international community to provide emergency food aid and support for an African Union peacekeeping force. Yet your suffering continues. The world must step forward to provide additional humanitarian aid -- and we must strengthen the African Union force that has done good work, but is not strong enough to protect you. The Security Council has approved a resolution that would transform the African Union force into a blue-helmeted force that is larger and more robust. To increase its strength and effectiveness, NATO nations should provide logistics and other support. The regime in Khartoum is stopping the deployment of this force. If the Sudanese government does not approve this peacekeeping force quickly, the United Nations must act. Your lives and the credibility of the United Nations is at stake. So today I'm announcing that I'm naming a Presidential Special Envoy -- former USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios -- to lead America's efforts to resolve the outstanding disputes and help bring peace to your land.

[Translation: To the people of Darfur: Yeah, good luck with that. It will be a cold day in hell before another American soldier gets his ass shot in Africa, humanitarian crisis or no.]

The world must also stand up for peace in the Holy Land. I'm committed to two democratic states -- Israel and Palestine -- living side-by-side in peace and security. I'm committed to a Palestinian state that has territorial integrity and will live peacefully with the Jewish state of Israel. This is the vision set forth in the road map -- and helping the parties reach this goal is one of the great objectives of my presidency. The Palestinian people have suffered from decades of corruption and violence and the daily humiliation of occupation. Israeli citizens have endured brutal acts of terrorism and constant fear of attack since the birth of their nation. Many brave men and women have made the commitment to peace. Yet extremists in the region are stirring up hatred and trying to prevent these moderate voices from prevailing.

[Translation: Turns out my road map for peace was actually a McDonald's placemat.]

This struggle is unfolding in the Palestinian territories. Earlier this year, the Palestinian people voted in a free election. The leaders of Hamas campaigned on a platform of ending corruption and improving the lives of the Palestinian people, and they prevailed. The world is waiting to see whether the Hamas government will follow through on its promises, or pursue an extremist agenda. And the world has sent a clear message to the leaders of Hamas: Serve the interests of the Palestinian people. Abandon terror, recognize Israel's right to exist, honor agreements, and work for peace.

[Translation: Hamas, check your mailbox for that message. Hopefully it didn't wind up in your spam folder.]

President Abbas is committed to peace, and to his people's aspirations for a state of their own. Prime Minister Olmert is committed to peace, and has said he intends to meet with President Abbas to make real progress on the outstanding issues between them. I believe peace can be achieved, and that a democratic Palestinian state is possible. I hear from leaders in the region who want to help. I've directed Secretary of State Rice to lead a diplomatic effort to engage moderate leaders across the region, to help the Palestinians reform their security services, and support Israeli and Palestinian leaders in their efforts to come together to resolve their differences. Prime Minister Blair has indicated that his country will work with partners in Europe to help strengthen the governing institutions of the Palestinian administration. We welcome his initiative. Countries like Saudi Arabia and Jordan and Egypt have made clear they're willing to contribute the diplomatic and financial assistance necessary to help these efforts succeed. I'm optimistic that by supporting the forces of democracy and moderation, we can help Israelis and Palestinians build a more hopeful future and achieve the peace in a Holy Land we all want.

[Translation: Note to Condie, get Mideast peace. Tony, thanks for playing.]

Freedom, by its nature, cannot be imposed -- it must be chosen. From Beirut to Baghdad, people are making the choice for freedom. And the nations gathered in this chamber must make a choice, as well: Will we support the moderates and reformers who are working for change across the Middle East -- or will we yield the future to the terrorists and extremists? America has made its choice: We will stand with the moderates and reformers.

[Translation: You can choose any color of car you want so long as it's black.]

Recently a courageous group of Arab and Muslim intellectuals wrote me a letter. In it, they said this: "The shore of reform is the only one on which any lights appear, even though the journey demands courage and patience and perseverance." The United Nations was created to make that journey possible. Together we must support the dreams of good and decent people who are working to transform a troubled region -- and by doing so, we will advance the high ideals on which this institution was founded.

[Translation: So I got this letter from some Mideast folks. After I had them tortured, they said what I wanted to hear. By the way, now I need to U.N. to get us out of this mess so I can get our troops the hell out of Iraq.]

Thank you for your time. God bless.

[Translation: I'm Rick James, bitch!]

A Fatwah On The Fighting Irish (Formerly "Ten Things I Hate About Notre Dame")

2006-09-09T23:22:00.000-04:00

How much do I hate the Notre Dame Fighting Irish?

I hate Notre Dame like I abhor eating liver. I hate Notre Dame like I revulsed at Michael Bay's "Pearl Harbor." I hate Notre Dame like I shriek at Jessica Simpson's remake of "Take My Breath Away." I hate Notre Dame like Greedo shooting first.

And I hate Notre Dame like Indiana Jones hated the Nazis.

For those who might think that this stand on Notre Dame is just sour grapes for Penn State's loss at South Bend, for the record my disdain for the Fighting Irish dates back further than Sep. 9, 2006.

Am I mad that the Irish topped the Lions? Certainly. But in my view, Notre Dame didn't win so much as Penn State lost. When your team botches a field goal and fumbles twice, you deserve to lose the game, no matter who you are.

So I give credit where it's due. I'm man enough to admit it. Notre Dame played competently enough to snare a victory, while the Lions could not recover from their mistakes.

Doesn't mean I still can't hate those guys. (Go Penn State, as well as Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Stanford, UCLA, Navy, North Carolina, Air Force, Army and USC.)

My detestation of the Fighting Irish exists on two levels: an intellectual one and an emotional one.

First, the intellectual reasons to hate Notre Dame:

- Coach Charlie Weis: I actually admired what he did after being defeated last year by USC. He dragged his son with him to congratulate Pete Carroll on the controversial victory to teach his kid about sportsmanship. Very classy. Evidently he's changed his mind on the subject. With 2:50 left in the 3rd quarter and up on Penn State 27-3, he elects to go for it on fourth down deep in Nittany Lion territory, going ahead 34-3. On their next possession, up 34-3 with 14:30 left in the 4th, the Irish go for it again on fourth down, eventually scoring yet another touchdown to make the score 41-3. Did he really think the Lions' Viagra-deficient offense would run up 24 unanswered points? Running up the score is funny when you're playing against your roommate in Tecmo Bowl, but it's not amusing here. I suppose sportsmanship be damned when the folks in administration want another ring. I will henceforth be referring to Weis as "Jabba."

- Notre Dame's administration: Talk about being either hippocrates or racists. First-year coach Tyrone Willingham guides the Irish to 10-3 in 2002, winning his first eight games after Notre Dame suffered a 5-6 season the year before. He manages to defeat #21 Maryland, Purdue, #7 Michigan, Michigan State, Stanford, Pittsburgh, #15 Air Force and #11 Florida State -- all quality teams that season. Willingham wins the George Munger Award for College Coach of the Year and the Home Depot National Coach of the Year Awards. In his first season, Jabba goes 9-3, his most quality win was an upset of then #3 Michigan (a team that was arguably overrated). His other eight wins all came against teams having down years: Pittsburgh, Washington, Purdue, BYU, Tennessee, Navy and Stanford. Who got the contract extension and big bucks?

- "Our university is holier than thou": Though I have no qualms about colleges acting as independents, your own reservation for a BCS bowl bid and NBC television contract are a bit too much. They also turned down a number of non-Bowl Alliance invitations in 1996 after going a mediocre 8-3. And I thought Ivy League schools were pretentious.

And now my emotional reasons for hating Notre Dame:

- Tradition: Knute Rockne is dead. Get over it. It's also 2006, for your information.

- The media: Notre Dame's media relationship can teach Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky a thing or two.

- Bandwagon fans (also referred to as "subway fans"): For a school that only has 118,500 living alumni, there seem to be an awful lot of Notre Dame fans lately (Penn State by comparison boasts 460,000 graduates). On another blog, someone wrote that saying you root for Notre Dame because you're of Irish descent is like rooting for USC because you use Trojan-brand condoms. Well said. (The inserted photo is also courtesy of that blog.)

- Independence: Dissing the Big Ten invite when you play more than a third of the conference each year is lame.

- Religion: Touchdown Jesus (or as Ricky Bobby would refer to as "Baby Jesus") aside, do Notre Dame fans honestly believe that God, in whatever form he or she takes (Allah, Vishnu, etc.), is watching over them when there's all this other suffering in the world? Though I don't doubt there's been some divine intervention or deals with Satan (see national titles for 1947 and 1966), if God really loved the Irish, why go 5-6 in 2001? Two other words: Potato famine.

- That holier-than-thou attitude: As a Yankees fan, I understand and respect that folks hate my team. I hate the Red Sox and they know why and respect it. Notre Dame fans, however, can't get it through their skulls that folks might actually like another college football team other than theirs.

- Those "9-3 Is Not Enough" towels: Unless Charlie Weis wears it as a bib to protest the operating hours of a South Bend all-you-can-eat brunch joint, the towel is yet another example of how pretentious Notre Dame is. Most schools would kill for 9-3. And Charlie, if you can't get your fill of breakfast during that time, try the International House of Pancakes.

That all being said, I can say there are things I like about Notre Dame:

- Fashion: Being a Penn State fan, I do have to admire the gold helmets and plain uniforms. Also, the green jerseys are about as automatic a loss for the Irish as playing Powerball. I mean, have you seen the uniforms for the Oregon Ducks? Wow.

- The archenemy factor: Batman had the Joker and Superman had Lex Luthor. The college football world has Notre Dame (and to a certain extent, the Florida universities).

- U2: Oh, wait. They're actually Irish.

Why 'Fighting Manatees'?

2006-09-08T14:42:00.000-04:00

Now I've done it.

I've got my own blog.

Some folks will invariably say, "Congratulations, you moron. Now you're only three years behind the rest of us. What cave have you been living in?"

Though in all fairness, I have to say that I do have a page on Facebook (I use it to track down the students that I teach and not really as a social networking tool) and have been semi photo blogging for quite some time (friends will attest to the comments with my photos on Kodak's EasyShare site).

So why the blog?

I could say that I wanted to write more, but that wouldn't be true. I get paid to write, and more hours in front of the computer outside of work I really don't need.

I could say that I'm important. But that's not true either. My code name isn't "Deep Throat" and my name isn't Bill Gates.

Which leaves us with the final answer: Why not?

Though some people set up blogs to keep friends appraised of their adventures and mishaps, you won't find any tantalizing tidbits on my relationships, boring rantings about pets or what not. I tried a diary once when I was a child. It was pretty pathetic.

Dear Diary, got up today. Brushed my teeth. Went to school. Came home and watched "G.I. Joe." Did my homework. Played with my G.I. Joes. Ate dinner. Watched "Family Ties." Went to bed.

Anne Frank I was not.

This blog will be more like a newspaper column, except without a newspaper. This will probably be one of a handful of personal blogs that also adheres to AP style, so hopefully you won't find any bad spelling or grammar here (that's not a challenge to you readers).

Instead, you'll find random thoughts. Lots of them.

Along with my twisted sense of humor that my friends have come to know.

So the second question ... why the name "Fighting Manatees" for a blog?

(Begin first random thought)

For you single guys out there, you should know (if you didn't already) that almost every woman has an "animal mascot." This means that every woman has one animal they love or admire more than any other. For some girls, it's cows. For others, it's pigs. My wife's animal mascot is the penguin.

They'll have stuffed animals, calendars, slippers, pajamas -- all with their favorite animal mascot on them. So if you're just starting to go out with a girl, find out the animal mascot.

Don't sweat it that much, guys. It's not like you're asking them for their ATM code.

Anyway, I've always had a soft spot for helpless and/or endangered species. I always thought it'd be fun to spend a spring break helping baby sea turtles or perhaps nursing a wounded bald eagle back to health.

On a vacation in January 2005, my then fiancee and I visited an aquarium in Orlando, Fla. I'd never seen a real manatee before, just in television and photos. I was struck by how, well, weird these creatures are compared to the animals we're used to. The manatee we saw had been wounded by the propellers of a motorboat and was being treated at the aquarium. Since then I've always had a soft spot for the big lugs.

Fast foward to August 2006 at the start of the fantasy football season. I've always tried to have fun and playful names for my teams. In the past, I've used my favorite beer as a team name ("The Yuengling Lagers"). I've also paid homage to my favorite cartoons ("The Springfield Isotopes" from "The Simpsons" or "The South Park Cows" from "South Park"). This season, the Springfield Isotopes are still around, but they're joined by the Robot Chickens (a nod to the show of the same name on Cartoon Network) and of course, the Fighting Manatees.

Hence, the name of this blog.

I can't, however, claim this as the most innovative fantasy football team name this season. That honor has got to go to my friend Rob, who named his team the Sex Panthers.

Now a blog named "Sex Panthers," that would get people reading.